The Pain Of Being A Parent...

For the first time in my life I really understand a parent's necessity to give their child "tough love" in order to help them grow into a proper, responsible adult. To teach them what they really need to know to survive in this world. To risk the hate of a child upon his mother over material things. Crazy isn't it?
This knowledge certainly doesn't make it any easier to do what I had to do, nor does it take away the pain. It was time, that's all, to teach my son life's lesson that everything cannot be given on a silver platter his whole life.
I made mistakes in his upbringing, so many in fact, but I'm done paying the price and feeling the never ending guilt over things I cannot change when I can no longer give all that I am to see to his happiness. Goddess knows I tried. I'm simply tapped out.
He's out on his own, now, has been for a year, but I've just kept going, giving him everything he asked for and more. Doing it all for him to my own detriment, physical illness, and to his as well I realize now.  It's time for him to do it himself and stop expecting so much of mom. I just can't anymore, no matter how much I long to give him all that he wants. 
Life makes hard decisions necessary and parents need to step back so kids can grow. This doesn't mean that I love him any less than I did before. In fact, it actually means I am forcing myself to let go so I can trust and respect him more.
Hopefully, in time, the pain will lessen. Until then, from now on, I'll suffer in silence as I always have before.
I can only hope that one day he will see the why of it all and stop disrespecting me. I pray he'll realize why I had to step up as a parent this time and put a halt to it all. I couldn't keep going and just letting everything pass each time.
Blessed be, my child. You are, and always will be my light, my first born son, but now I must let you go. Goddess be with you on your journey. I love you.

I would rather be, anyone but me...

I would rather go thirsty, then drink from the beds of fluid tainted by an uncaring hand.

I would rather go untouched, then allow myself to feel only the emptiness that is offered me.

I would rather starve, then feed upon the scraps carelessly tossed my way without thought or feeling.

I would rather die, then live in the coldness of this shadow cast upon me.

All Rights Reserved. Gina Kincade 2013  

Appreciate The Little Things

Just because I hide my tears, doesn't mean I don't cry.
Just because I hide the pain, doesn't mean I do not hurt.
Just because I smile on the outside, doesn't mean I'm not sad.
Just because I talk to people every day, does not mean I am not lonely.
Just because I stand and fight, doesn't mean I'm not afraid.
Just because they are not visible,  doesn't mean my scars aren't real.
Just because I cry out for help, doesn't mean I'll ever find someone to save me.

All Rights Reserved. Gina Kincade 2012

What you see isn't always what is real. Many people who suffer, do so in silence.  We hide behind ourselves, hoping to one day be free, to heal, to be happy, to smile for real. For some of us that day may never come.

Try to appreciate the little things in life.  Realize that no matter what you may go through, it could be worse.  

You could be one of us.

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Self-preservation...

I crave, I cave.
I need, I want.
I fear, I hurt.
I am weak, I fail.
I can't help myself, I love.

I'm afraid to let go, I must though.
Instinctual, internal.
Conflict.

All Rights Reserved. Gina Kincade. 2012